mikewiseundecided

2010-06-07T08:59:00.001-07:00

i haven't said anything because i have nothing to say that i haven't said already.

clean breaks

2010-04-19T14:28:00.000-07:00

i next blogged my way to someone's blog today, and they had a few posts about their relationships and blunders. of course this grabbed my attention, so i read a few of them. one was about how she tried to casually/nonchalantly contact an old flame (months to years later)just to see if a spark might happen again, and how it didn't work and how it made her feel about herself.

this struck a chord with me because lately i've wanted to call/email/text a few different ladies. i've been telling myself that i just want to say hi to someone, or that i want to see what they've been up to, or that since we are friends i just want to catch up with them. and this is all true. but it's all b.s. too. because whether it's right under the surface or buried deep, there's the desire to be with them again.

so i'm not going to contact any of them. those relationships are over/done/dead, and i need to leave them that way. that's half of it. the other half is that if any of them contact me for any reason, i need to not jump to conclusions, but take any hi's, or how have you been's, or what's going on's as purely friendly gestures from them. but really, chances are that i won't have to worry about their actions.

in the past, i've been able to leave an ended relationship alone. but lately (the last 5 years or so) that's been difficult to do. i'm gonna try to get back to that. i envy that former me. i used to hide/bury/contain my emotions well too. nothing got out. i'm sure that kept alot from getting in too, but the trade-off seems worth it right now. so here's to beginning to close it all down. i wish myself luck.

sunday

2010-04-04T16:14:00.000-07:00

maybe it's something that happened to me long ago, that i've repressed, but others can see in me. or maybe it's a gene that in most people is recessive, but in me it's dominant. but i think there is something in me that is driving me to be alone. it's like i can't help it; no matter what course i take, what choices i make, or how much i try, i always end up here. it's like some weird evolutionarry flaw/defect i have, where i like women who don't like me, i don't like women who like me, i ruin relationships that i get into, i get into relationships that i know won't work, and so on and so forth. i don't know what i am doing wrong, but i know i am doing something wrong. or many things wrong. or everything wrong.

and i hope you understand that i don't think i am unique. i know there are plenty of unhappy men and women out there who feel very similar to (if not exactly) the way i do. but overall, i think we are a fairly small percentage. most people can make relationships work. most people can be happy with someone for a reasonable amount of time (if not indefinitely). most people can go from one relationship to the next. most people can keep trying until they find one that works. most people have one or more appealing traits that draw the opposite sex to them.

but me. maybe i help people feel happy and lucky because they have someone. to know that you could be like me but you're not has to be a great relief.

maybe it's my lot in life to be alone. not everyone can be happy after all. equal and opposite forces. yin and yang. i'm not sure that anyone wants to be the sad, alone one. but someone has to be, right!?

hello future, part 2

2010-04-02T15:19:00.000-07:00

as i continue my self-imposed (read as = no other alternative) time of searching, reflection, introspection, reevaluation, and change (read as = being alone), i am yet to find peace and/or happiness. i am slightly surprised (masochistically impressed may be closer to the mark) that the course of my life is set in this direction.
and i have to get back to work, so i will have to wallow more at a later time.

followers???

2010-03-26T07:51:00.000-07:00

apparently i have 6 followers. and i know 2 of them. who are the other 4? why do they get to remain anonymous? i sent an email asking 1 of them who they were, but have gotten no response. and i have seen that same persons' icon on other blogs, so i have to assume it is someone i know. tell me who you are, followers, tell me who you are.

alternative views

2010-02-28T19:22:00.000-08:00

can sadness be wonderful? or beautiful? can loneliness be perfect? can songs that make you sad be just what you need? can all of your failures be what makes you great? do you keep a promise, even when it's not relevant anymore?

Lately

2010-02-04T08:21:00.000-08:00

I keep seeing things i want to take pictures of, but keep forgetting my camera. I need to get in the habit of keeping it in my truck (and with a charged battery).

using my gifts

2010-01-13T08:41:00.000-08:00

i got a digital camera this christmas (because i asked for one). now i just have to use it. it sounds easy enough.

how sleep affects my blog

2010-01-13T08:29:00.000-08:00

it's usually at night - when i'm sitting on my sofa or laying in my bed - that i think about my life. and i have this inner monologue go on that i say i'm going to put into my next blog post. and then i go to sleep. and the next morning i think about what i was thinking about the night before, and decide that i shouldn't put those words to paper. and that's why i don't have much to say on my blog. the hours of sleep are similar to 'counting to 10 before saying something'.

it's a new year

2010-01-04T08:11:00.001-08:00

let's see what it brings.

i have no answers

2009-12-16T11:53:00.000-08:00

some questions beg to be answered, and others dare you to try.
how do people find love? or happiness? or each other?

hello future

2009-12-04T07:59:00.000-08:00

for the time being (and maybe forseeable future) i announce that i concede to the fairer sex. you know something i don't, and whatever it is you know is keeping the two of us apart. so i will begin a time of searching, reflection, introspection, reevaluation, and change. what will i do, how long will it take, and will it work? those are the first three questions that immediately come to mind.

what the heck, tuesday, why you treat me like this?

2009-11-17T17:21:00.000-08:00

i have a headache. behind my left eye. is that a migrane, or just a headache behind my left eye? can you get a migrane once or twice? whatever. i took something for it, so hopefully it goes away soon.

and then there's my heart. that bastard of emotion. it's acting up again.

so eff you, tuesday. hurry up and give way to wednesday!

here you go

2009-11-11T09:41:00.000-08:00

lately i've been into giving gifts, and i'm not sure why. whether it's presents, knick-knacks, cards, food or drinks, etc. i'm already buying birthday and christmas presents for people, and am searching for things that are a good fit to peoples personalities/wants.
so i'm trying to figure out the reason(s) behind this. so far all that i have is that i haven't been good at expressing verbally my appreciation of people (friends, family, co-workers, ...), or my feelings for them, so i'm trying to do it through gifts. this may not be accurate, true, or successful, but so far it's the only reason i have for my new found desire to buy things for people.
all i know for sure is that it's not because of my surplus of funds.

what to talk about

2009-11-10T07:59:00.001-08:00

many of my friends have commented on the 'darkness' of some of my blog posts. and that's how i feel now. but i guess i'll keep it all inside.

rainbows, butterflys, unicorns, spring days, skipping, laughing, bright colors, and other happy things.

work work work

2009-11-05T17:14:00.000-08:00

thankfully it doesn't happen too often, but it looks like i am working late tonight. not too late, but it will be 7pm most likely. i just hope that it will mean tomorrow will go smoothly. go team!

weekend recap

2009-11-02T08:29:00.001-08:00

friday night was 'green eggs & the met', which showed off a lot of dr. seuss' works, and had 3-4 bands playing. i loved it, thought it went well, and look forward to the next event they have.
saturday night was a halloween costume party at brians. it turned out well, with lots of people dressing up. i think i ended up being most happy with my drinking mug and all the attention 'senior skull' got (although i did bring him up quite a bit).
and sunday was a lot of laying around watching football and baseball.
now back to work.

wtf

2009-10-30T14:44:00.000-07:00

one minute, i have the world figured out. the next, i'm left scratching my head. going from low to high to low takes a lot out of a person. i long for simplicity...and peace...and normalcy. maybe i'm almost there. but right now, at this minute, it feels like a long way away.

50 questions

2009-10-26T17:12:00.000-07:00

i haven't posted anything in awhile, and i saw that sara had this on her blog today. so i am presuming that i have permission from her to use these questions (as long as i put my own answers).

1. What is the color of your toothbrush? gray and white
2. Name one person who made you smile today. elizabeth
3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning? checking my fantasy football scores
4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? sending out bid solicitations to subs
5. What is your favorite candy bar? either caramelo or miklyway, or any other candy with caramel in it
6. Have you ever been to a strip club? yes, but i was never the instigator
7. What is the last thing you said aloud? "the 4th?"
8. What is your favorite ice cream? vanilla, or cookies & cream, or chocolate chip cookie dough, or mint chocolate chip, or pralenes & cream, or some other one
9. What was the last thing you had to drink? water at my desk, coke at lunch
10. Do you like your wallet? i guess, it is nothing special
11. What was the last thing you ate? jack in the box (it sounded better than it was)
12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week? no (or this month, or maybe even this year)
13. The last sporting event you watched? in person, a grizzlies game. on tv, football yesterday
14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? salty & buttery
15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?: ed
16. Ever go camping? yeah, i like camping
17. Do you take vitamins daily? no, but i have them on my counter
18. Do you go to church every Sunday? no
19. Do you have a tan? up to my shirt sleeves
20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza? no, but i do like chinese
21. Do you drink your soda with a straw? no
22. What did your last text message say? the last one i sent said "no monday haiku today?" the last one i recieved said "on our way."
23. What are you doing tomorrow? working
24. Favorite color? blue i guess
25. Look to your left; what do see? piles of paperwork, and a window to the foyer.
26. What color is your watch? my cell phone is blue
27. What do you think of when you hear “Australia”? the outback
28. Would you strip for money? probably not
29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive-thru
30. What is your favorite number? 5
31. Who’s the last person you talked to on the phone? one of the guys that works in our office
32. Any plans today? monday night football and laundry
33. In how many states have you lived? 2, california and colorado
34. Biggest annoyance right now? car maintenance
35. Last song listened to? something by coldplay i think
36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? i think so, but probably a few letters at a time
37. Do you have a maid service clean your house? that's funny
38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time? white tennies
39. Are you jealous of anyone? yeah, a little bit
40. Is anyone jealous of you? who knows
41. Do you love anyone? yes
42. Do any of your friends have children? yes, some
43. What do you usually do during the day? work, and think
44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now? nope
45. Do you use the word hello daily? it's possible
46. What color is your car? grey/silver
47. What size wedding ring do you wear? no wedding ring
48. Are you thinking about someone right now? as a matter of fact, i am
49. Have you ever been to Six Flags? yes, quite a few times (though i don't like it as much now)
50. How did you get your worst scar? by being stupid and thinking that nothing bad could happen to me

friday weather

2009-10-16T13:16:00.000-07:00

i have enjoyed that it has been overcast with fog/mist/precipitation in fresno today.

coming back from lunch i was listening to the dodger pre-game show, and they said it is 93 degrees in l.a. right now. so i checked weather.com when i got back to the office and see that it is 70 degrees in fresno right now. but it does feel a little warmer than 70 because of the high humidity. but i'm not complaining, october should be 70 (or 60, or 50), not 93.

A New To Do List

2009-10-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

After careful consideration (and much looking around), I have created a new to-do list. And what's more, I'm going to complete it. I'm two days in, and items are already being marked off the list. My goal is for the list to be completed by Saturday.

Granted, the list is only three items long (not really).

legs of stone

2009-10-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

concerning my fantasy football team losing last night to ed, i have to say that aaron rodgers lost me the game as much as ed's defense won him the game. rodgers looked both lost and oblivious in the pocket last night. i know his weak offensive line didn't help any, but there were many times that he could have thrown the ball away or ran out of the pocket instead of standing there waiting for jared allen to come say hi. if they weren't playing on artificial turf, i would have swore that rodgers had grown out of the field and that's why he was 'rooted' to one spot. oh well, next week brings the chance for someone else on my team to surprise or upset me.

weekend recap

2009-10-05T15:48:00.000-07:00

this past weekend was pretty mellow. to be honest, i don't even remember what i did friday night...but i'm sure it wasn't anything extraordinary. saturday one of my friends came up from tulare, so we hung out and got caught up on each others lives before joining ed, brian, and the woody's for drinks. sunday i went to ed's to be enveloped in his nfl sunday ticket package thru direct tv. then i went home and watched the chargers alllllllmost pull off an awsome comeback against the steelers.
in other weekend news, i didn't do laundry like i should have. and i didn't go grocery shopping like i needed to.

it's not that cold, is it?

2009-10-01T10:28:00.000-07:00

last night i used a blanket for the first time since last winter. it was nice. i sleep with the windows open and a fan on in my room, so with the last 2 days of cool weather it's actually gotten cold at night. i like the cool/cold weather. so bring it on fall and winter. bring. it. on.

commercials

2009-09-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

carrie has recently posted on some commercials that she currently can't stand. since 1/2 to 3/4 of commercials fall into that category for me, i thought i'd bring up one that currently makes me laugh. this might change depending on how many times i see it.

it's a head and shoulders commercial with troy polamalu. troy comes off of the field, and he has all this hair, and a reporter asks him a question about the game. he glances at troys hair once or twice as he asks it. so troy starts talking about his hair. the reporter might ask him one more question, with troy again talking about his hair. so then the reporter says to him, "i didn't ask you about your hair." to which troy says, "you aksed with your eyes, trent. you asked with your eyes." then he runs off screen.

it may not be very funny to anybody else, but it makes me laugh when i see it.

weddings

2009-09-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

a couple of weeks ago i went to my cousins wedding. it was nice. she looked great. it was in the bay area. yada yada.
this last weekend my sister got married down in visalia, and it all went great. she looked great. my parents looked great. i looked great. that's right, i looked great (this was according to my grandma though, so i don't know how biased it was). the ceremony and reception were outside, so it was a little warm until the sun went down. they had an open bar, so the dance floor stayed full. my dad danced some, which made me laugh. and i got to talk to a lot of friends and family during the evening, which was nice.
i was impressed with all of the major vendors they used: the photographer/videographer, the emcee/dj, the bartenders, the cook/caterer. they all did great jobs, and they helped the whole night go well. i was the only person there drinking 7&7's, so i didn't have to worry about them running out. there were only a few people who drank a little too much, and thankfully they didn't make any scenes, and left quietly. the family of the groom were quite the dancers. i'm not saying that they were good dancers, but they sure got out there and danced. and they smoked...while they danced. it was funny watching them bob/twist/gyrate with a cigarette hanging out of their mouth, or a cloud of smoke above their heads. and one of them who was dancing quite a bit and having a really good time split his white pants (that's right, white pants), but i don't remember if that stopped him from dancing.
i might have left out one or two highlights (not on purpose), but in summary the wedding went really well. my sister was happy with how everything turned out. and my parents were happy with how everything turned out.

truck horn

2009-09-25T11:43:00.000-07:00

so one of the guys at work was leaving for lunch, and he asked if we wanted to hear his train horn. being a little confused, i said yes. so we walk outside and he gets in his truck and hits the horn. and it is a genuine train horn. he bought it from amtrak for $400, when it normally sells for $1,000. but it was crazy; an actual train horn on his truck. all i could think about was the damage he could cause in traffic (or on the road in general) if someone made him mad and he used it.

he was right...again

2009-09-24T15:27:00.000-07:00

adam knew that balmy means: mild and refreshing; soft; soothing. i did not. i was under the impression that it meant hot/muggy. but now i know.

he was proved right last night at landmark, but i wanted to give him props here today too.

i'm sure i'll still doubt him from time to time in the future; i'll just be wrong more often than not. here's to future disagreements.

100 words for my 100th post

2009-08-31T08:37:00.000-07:00

different sides of the same story:
forlorn, blue, desolate, numb, undone, cheerless, miserable, meloncholy, lost, downcast, hurt, alone, anguished, insignificant, sad.
unwise, foolish, witless, stupid, absurd, laughable, lacking, senseless, ridiculous.
allow, resign, consent, accept, give, tollerate, concede, surrender, take, relent, endure.

i've made up my mind so many times
saying [to myself] that i would,
(or would not) do something.
and i never follow through.

but today is new. my resolve is strong.
it's the beginning of the end.

the gulf will widen. my voice will become faint.
i will allow myself to be forgotten.
then peace will take root.

no chance

2009-08-11T11:56:00.000-07:00

things i need to do today, tomorrow, or this weekend...but i know i'm not gonna do:
1 dishes
2 laundry (maybe)
3 wash my truck
4 pay a bill or two
5 get a new cell phone
6 buy pants and shirts
7 stop by the post office
8 stop by a friends house to say hi
9 go grocery shopping
10

comments on a movie, but not really a review

2009-07-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

so i went to see the new harry potter movie this past weekend. and it rocked. i had tried to keep my expectations low (partly because i didn't like the 5th movie all that much), so as the movie went on my smile grew wider and wider. i appreciated how much of the book the movie captured, and also some of the subtle ways it deviated from it. but i'll need to see it a time or two more before i can confirm my early approval of it (and maybe write a review). but i did laugh/chuckle a few times, and in one scene (i don't remember which...really) something was said or done that made me grin. the kind of grin that you try to hide or wipe off your face, but you just can't. so, in conclusion, i liked it, want to see it again, and will see it again. and i already look forward to the two movies that will tell the story of the final book. and i'll probably start reading the series again sooner than i figured i would. maybe i'll try to read the lord of the rings series first. yeah, that's what i'll do. bilbo and frodo, you're next. but before i do that, who want's to go watch harry potter with me?

my place

2009-07-15T09:51:00.000-07:00

i guess like all things, i go up and down, swing left and swing right. my apartment is a good example. it's clean, it's dirty. i'm happy with it, i hate it. currently, it's a mess. a big mess. the kind of mess that would keep me from having anyone over (i say would because i don't have anyone over in the first place). there's clean laundry and dirty laundry. clean dishes and dirty dishes. mail and papers on this table, and mail and papers on that table. clothes on the floor, clothes in the dresser, clothes on top of the dresser. it needs to be vacuumed, it needs to be dusted, the bed needs to be made, the bathroom needs to be made to sparkle (the kitchen too). we'll see how far i get this weekend.

it's official

2009-06-22T10:07:00.000-07:00

i received my first sunburn of the summer on saturday. one of my buddies just had a pool built, and i went swimming on saturday. and of course i wasn't smart enough to put sunscreen on, so i will pay for it for the next three/four/seven days.
i went miniature golfing too on saturday eveining, and lost...to a girl. she whooped up on me and another one of my friends, but i made a hole-in-one on the last hole and won a fee game of golf. so that was sweet.

no title

2009-05-22T16:03:00.000-07:00

do you ever do something for so long, that you can't imagine it being otherwise? even if you want it to be? an object/event/situation/relationship in motion tends to stay in motion. i can say that i want something/someone to be in my path in order to help me change (a little or a lot, for the worse or for better), but don't actions speak louder than words? than intentions? than hopes, dreams, and desires?

because it would seem that my actions say otherwise. why am i 32 and still single? why did i never pursue a career? why don't i travel the way i say i want to? why this? whay that? why the other? i wonder how my life will end up turning out? saying/thinking this, i assume some people will think or wonder why i don't take charge and make something happen. make something change. make. do. pursue. be proactive. but i don't think i'm that kind of guy. at least i'm not that kind of guy right now.

so what do i do? what should i expect? can a light just come on, and a change occur? can a desire or drive just well up inside me? can a spontaneous personality change just happen one day?

where in the world is mike wise charlie...

2009-04-22T16:58:00.000-07:00

...i would like to be at the coast. but i'm not. i'm here in fresno. i guess the bright side is that it could be worse.

i was just thinking this afternoon, so i figured i would try to put some of those thoughts in this post. and then i will look back and see how successful i was.

i was fondly remembering the few friends that i've had throughout the last 15 years or so that i could have serious, close-to-the-heart, put it all out on the table discussions/conversations with. how wonderful is it (usually noticed/comprehended/appreaciated after-the-fact) to be able to bare a part of yourself to someone (no matter how big or small) when it stays hidden to the rest of the world. to expose that secret. to confess that fear. to voice that opinion. to proclaim whatever it is that you proclaim. to show that person a part of your soul/heart/mind that allows them to know you in a special way from there on out. it tweaks your friendship/relationship/whatever just the tiniest bit. but that's all that needed to happen to procure the change.

i look forward to the next time something like this happens to me, and the next person it happens with. not that i'm sending out invitations to have a heart-to-heart talk, or that the next time i have a conversation with one of my friends that it needs to be life-changing. because i think that part of what makes it work, and what makes it special, is the natural, out-of-the-blue way it usually happens. you don't go searching for; it just happens...i think?

back to my original thought (i think). i feel like i've been alone too long. some/many/all of the things that i would have shared over the last 1, 2, 5, 10 years have been thrown on the shelf, waiting to be released into the trust of someone else. but now there are so many of these things inside of me that some are lost, some are broken, some are lost inside of others, and some have had time to build up walls around themselves...making them harder to get to. and now i've lost my train of thought. so i guess this post is complete.

good looking out, mom

2009-04-10T08:30:00.000-07:00

i called my mom the other day to ask what everyone was doing for easter. my dad is working, my brother is working, my sister might be working. so nothing is happening for easter. my mom says she is going to ride along with my dad. feeling a bit lonely, i say that maybe i will ride along too. and to this, my mom says, "i don't think you'll like that". slightly confused, i ask why i wouldn't like that. and she says, "do you want to have your dad ask you questions all day"? no i don't. good looking out, mom, good looking out.

living la vida loca

2009-03-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

no i'm not. but apparently i am still alive. i watched pulp fiction at the movies last thursday with ed, adam, and kari (hopefully that is how she spells her name), and that was alot of fun. i house sat/dog sat for some friends this last weekend. so there you have it, still alive.

update

2009-03-03T15:30:00.000-08:00

what have i been up to lately? not much.

we'll see what the future holds

2009-01-12T13:20:00.000-08:00

i think i'm done for now. no need to look here again. it probably won't change for a while.

more fail

2009-01-09T08:09:00.000-08:00

it's not just relationships i guess. i feel like i fail at everything.
and who doesn't want a guy who has that attitude?
form a line ladies, let's keep it civil.

fail

2009-01-07T14:02:00.000-08:00

i was thinking about all of the relationships that i've failed at.
it's a long list.

2009-01-06T07:53:00.001-08:00

questions 1 thru 5? 10? 15? 20? 25? 30? 35? 40?

2008-12-23T14:40:00.000-08:00

how many people *(family)* are going to ask me how many questions over the next week and a half? how about, when i have something new or worth while to tell you, i'll tell you, and until then don't ask. i don't care if it's been a week, a month, or a year. don't ask. i don't want to talk to you about me. sports, fine. the weather, fine. unicorns and pixey dust, fine.

white elephant

2008-12-19T07:19:00.000-08:00

so we are having a white elephant gift exchange at work today. i took things that were laying around my house, and decorated it with things that were laying around my house. i'm very happy with what my gift contains and how my gift is decorated.

my gift contains the following:
1. Road Warrior DVD - new
2. Pocket Arcade Electronic Sudoku - new
3. Package of Rainforest Animal Stickers - new
4. Block of Clear Plastic that says I'm a 3 Gallon Donor from the Central California Blood Center
5. Some Miscellaneous Electronic Devise for a Digital Camera - new
6. Blue Homemade Scarf
7. Dumb and Dumber Soundtrack - used
8. Orange Flex Fit Hat from a backhoe company my company uses
9. Large Sticker (10 inches x 14 inches) saying WARNING (in huge letters) DETECTABLE AMOUNTS OF CHEMICALS KNOWN TO THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA TO CAUSE CANCER, BIRTH DEFECTS, OR OTHER REPRODUCTIVE HARM MAY BE FOUND IN AND AROUND THIS FACILITY (in regular-sized letters). (PROPOSITION 65, CALIFORNIA HEALTH AND SAFETY CODE SECTION 254249.6 ET SEQ.) (in small letters)

my gift is decorated with:
1. each item is individually wrapped
2. they are all put in the same box
3. the box is decorated with old, unused christmas cards (the fronts and the sayings inside them) in random order and placement...but classy.

it was fun. i just hope i'm not let down by everyone else not thinking it's as funny as i do.

le sigh

2008-12-18T13:37:00.000-08:00

i don't know what's wrong with me.
all i know is that nothing makes me happy.
if i had the guts, i'd move away and try to start over.

free time

2008-12-15T09:58:00.000-08:00

what to do.
i can only watch so much television.
i can only watch so many dvds.
i don't have a computer at home to use.
i don't have a video game system either.
i don't have a girlfriend to occupy my time.

i'm going to start working out. just at the little "gym" at my apartment complex. maybe after i succeed at this level for awhile i might join a real gym. we'll see.

and i would like to volunteer somewhere. i know kasey tried helping at the spca, and that didn't pan out, but i would like to look into it anyway. there is one a few minutes away from where i work, and there is an animal shelter (i think it's an animal shelter) being built close to where i live.

fool

2008-12-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

there are many things that make me me. here is one example: i take things just a little too far.

feel free to agree, inquire, add others, or move on.

unfortunate

2008-11-26T08:12:00.000-08:00

when i decided to begin blogging, i think i thought it would be a way to express thoughts/feeling/ideas that i didn't want to actually voice. but it's not working out like that. the things i want to say, and the feelings i want to share are still inside. why? because even though i want to get them out, i don't really want anyone i know or who knows me to read them or know them. so i guess that means that i need to journal at home along with blogging about regular things. it's not that i don't want anyone to see them, it's that i want to be anonymous. maybe that's why i like postsecert so much, because they succeed at that.

before

2008-11-18T08:14:00.001-08:00

i yelled into a void. what did i think was going to happen? of course there was no answer. i stared into this same void, trying to make something out. obviously i failed to see.

before, when i said "i yelled", i was lying. i spoke softly and quickly. i wanted to say as much as i could, while making sure no one overheard. my words floated away from me, bearing my message.

before, when i said "i spoke softly and quickly", i was lying. no words left my lips. there are still words out there from before. i'll wait to hear an answer to them.

a desire...almost strong enough for action

2008-11-17T17:10:00.000-08:00

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul. ~John Muir

like that

2008-11-10T07:56:00.000-08:00

in the last scene of point break, when bodhi paddles out into the raging sea.

the sea

2008-11-06T10:00:00.000-08:00

i am drawn to the ocean. to waves crashing on the shore. the immensity of the ocean. its power and fluidity. i could sit and watch it for hours. the sight, the sounds, the smell, the wind, the sun (or not). what a wonderful scene they combine to make. add a storm to that and you get something that it takes a word like "awsome" to describe.

it's been too long since i've viewed a scene like that. i miss it dearly. and to have someone to share it with...well, the search continues.

what happens now?

2008-11-04T10:41:00.000-08:00

that's what i've been thinking for some time

what i hear

2008-10-24T11:19:00.000-07:00

tears sliding down cheeks
emptiness where there should be your voice
regret

what i see

2008-10-23T10:03:00.000-07:00

saddness that can't be hidden
loneliness that isn't comforted
a story that doesn't end well

it's friday, what does that mean?

2008-10-17T13:03:00.000-07:00

me: long time, no see.
laundry: i know, it's been awhile.
me: what's it been, a week?
laundry: oh, i think longer than that my friend.
me: not much longer. right?
laundry: okay, you're right, not much longer. but longer than a week.
me: okay. so how have you been?
laundry: building an army.
me: what does that mean?
laundry: you know what it means. how many pair of underwear do you have? how many clean work shirts do you have? i have them all.
me: not all.
laundry: um, besides the shirt on your back and the boxer briefs on your hips, what else do you have that's clean.
me: nothing.
laundry: that's right.
me: you don't have to get all better-than-thou with me.
laundry: i have the power. i can do what i want.
me: i still have power.
laundry: you have no power. clothes equal power, and you have none.
me: maybe i don't need clothes.
laundry: you need clothes. don't be rediculous.
me: ever hear of "going comando"?
laundry: empty threat.
me: we both know that threat's not empty.
laundry: you won't do it.
me: done!
laundry: this isn't over.

the fresno fair

2008-10-14T08:22:00.000-07:00

i went to the fair last night with ed and adam. it was fun. please to be directed to ed's blog page for a full and accurate review of the evening (with pictures even).

update

2008-10-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

the highlight of my week (maybe the only highlight) was the office last night. i don't know if i can love jim and dwight any more than i do right now.
work is going fine.
i haven't talked to my mom and that side of the family in a couple of weeks.
i haven't talked to my dad and that side of the family for months and months (really. it's sad on my part).
i have no personal life, and no prospects at the moment.

spiral: downward

thursday night tv

2008-09-26T10:25:00.000-07:00

i watched the first hour of survivor last night, and then the office.

it seems like survivor tries to cover all of its bases with the cast it puts together each season. it starts with 18 contestants. there are 6 young, attractive women. there are 6 young, muscular men. and then there are 6 old/weak/unattractive people. at least that's how i break them down when i see them for the first time. maybe that says more about me than anything else - because i don't have to try to fit them into these catagories, they just fall into them automatically. anyway, moving on.

the office was great. i'm glad jim proposed to pam. i liked her reaction. the dwight/angela/andy relationship triangle works well. dwight coming out of the storage room in his wife-beater and his big gut, looking all smug and full of himself makes me laugh. michael continues to be clueless, as he should. and bringing ryan back in as the temp, and the scenario between michael and dwight and him with their goatees was funny. and always, i love dwight and jim's relationship, with jim putting his hand on dwight's shoulder just to have dwight shrug it off while looking exasperated. and there's so much more - like dwight kicking stanley's birthday cheesecake all over michael, or kelly wanting everyone to tell her more good things about her when she was standing on the chair. i enjoy watching this show more than any other on tv right now.

spiral

2008-09-19T08:03:00.000-07:00

currently: downward

in other news. i've had the cartoon television series 'Voltron' sitting on my shelf for a year or two now. last night i decided to shake the dust off of it and take a stroll down memory lane. I remember the show, and i remember the toys, i just didn't remember how much i watched it. but when it started i was like "oh yeah, i remember these guys." out of the four episodes i watched last night, i don't remember any of them. so maybe i started watching it later in the series. it is fun though. and editing wise, they left in the cuts where the show leaves and comes back from commercial...which i think is very funny. it says something like "we'll be back with more action after this short commercial break" and then "and now back to more Voltron". it's something like that; i know i didn't capture it word for word.

thank you

2008-09-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

so i went down to bakersfield on friday with ed and woody to help woody move some furniture and pick up a car to bring back to fresno. so we went out for drinks that night, stopping at a few different places. when we were leaving one spot, we were stopped on the street behind a car that was being dealt with by the police. the other end of the street was blocked with cones, so we had to go this way. while waiting behind this car, one of the police officers walks back to us to tell us it's going to be awhile, and we should use the alley to leave. the other two say "okay", and what do i say? "thank you". as you can guess, they laughed at me and made fun of me the rest of the night.

i wake up sunday morning and see that i got a text saturday night. at 1:33 am. from ed. saying "thank you". i texted him back that morning asking why he said thank you. he said he wasn't sure. and then later it clicked. he was making fun of me. he was probably leaving landmark, saw a cop car, and sent me the text. i'm glad my friends like me enough to make fun of me. i think.

my favorite harry potter

2008-09-12T08:16:00.000-07:00

so i watched all five harry potter movies over the last two weeks in the evenings; that should tell you how exciting my life is. and i have to say i like movie number three the best. that's not saying that i like book number three the best, or the story in three the best. but the movie, the movie. i don't know the proper terms to use; maybe it's the production, or the cinematogrophy, or the direction. but i really enjoy watching it. it has weight to it. emotion. i think that movie number three has the same mood and theme that is developing and living through the entire book series (where some of the other movies are their own entities, serving their own purposes).

now i wouldn't say that book number three is my favorite, but i can't tell you which one is just now. it's been too long since reading a few of them. so i'm rereading the series. it will probably take me a little bit to do (especially since i am still finishing up two other books too). but after i finish i will tell you which book i liked the best. and hopefully i will be able to adequately explain why.

on a side note, i love how two people can read the same book and see things entirely different. the mood and theme and feeling i get from reading this series may be somewhat (or completely) different from what someone else gets from it.

so, it's september

2008-09-02T16:57:00.000-07:00

i guess this means i need to come up with some content for my blog. i'll get to work...coming up with stuff. friends should feel welcome to put their two cents in.

check back at a later date

2008-07-16T08:03:00.000-07:00

to the few of you who make your way by my blog, i think i'm going to not post anything for the rest of the summer. like say, till september. i'll still read through others blogs and comment here and there, but don't worry about mine.

an hour well spent, with nothing to show

2008-06-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

i wish you could read my heart. you'd learn so much about me. you would know me and love me. instead i have this page for you to read. and so you go away empty. because i don't know how to transcribe my heart onto this page.

recap

2008-06-10T08:25:00.000-07:00

my little brother (mom and step-dad) got married during memorial day weekend; and that went very well.

my little sister (dad and step-mom) had her 8th grade graduation (home school - 3 8th graders, 1 12th grade) up in the bay area a week ago; and that went very well.

i had a great time at the woody's this last weekend along with the stewart's and adam. i got plenty of sun by the pool, had a good bbq, and got to see first hand all of the fun new things georgia is doing and saying.

and last night i hung out with kasey as she got her tattoo (which turned out super-duper awsome). adam, kendall, sara via phone, katie and brian were also there to support her/harrass her/help her pull through.

and i'm looking forward to going to colorado next week for becky and jay's wedding.

something new

2008-05-29T08:38:00.001-07:00

i'm gonna be up in the bay area this weekend, visiting family, because my little sister is graduating the eighth grade. so i'm leaving after work today, and will get back late on sunday.

this weekend

2008-05-22T07:47:00.000-07:00

my little brother is getting married on saturday. i assume i'll go down friday after work and stay till...i guess sometime sunday. i hope everyone has a good holiday weekend!

a star imploding

2008-05-20T08:16:00.000-07:00

To get a stellar implosion (leading to a supernova and then either a black hole or neutron star), the fuel at the center of the star gets used up, and the core cools rapidly. The pressure that has been holding up the outer layer drops, and the outer shells start falling toward the center. The gas has a long way to fall (the radius of a red giant can be as large as the distance from the Earth to the Sun) and builds up a tremendous speed. It all meets at the center, at which point most of the mass rebounds into a supernova explosion. About 20% of the mass gets compacted at the center and either forms a neutron star or (if the original star was really large) a black hole.

i kinda feel this way.

a picture in my mind

2008-05-16T07:54:00.000-07:00

out at sea, not too far from the coastline, was this craggy rock. it looked dry and old with little to offer. yet there was a tree growing on it. just one. and the tree looked old (if not old, at least mature), and it was twisted and turned and hunched over by years of wind and sea. but there it stood, on that rock, almost defiantly. it was a beautiful scene (almost art); and sad at the same time, because it was alone on this rock.

alphabet sentences

2008-05-15T08:05:00.000-07:00

Alligators
Besiege
Cattle.
Drab
Economics
Fail
Generations.
Heros
Invoke
Justice.
Koalas
Leave
Manure
Nuggets.
Offer
People
Quiet
Relief.
Sever
Ties
Universally.
Value
Willfulness.
Xenagogues
Yell
Zealously.

another meme

2008-05-08T07:42:00.000-07:00

i saw this on Sara's blog and figured that since i needed to update my blog, i'd try this.
the rules: all answers have to start with the same letter as does your first name.
1. What is your name? michael
2. A four-letter word: mild
3. A vehicle: motorcycle
4. A city: milan
5. A boy's name: mortimer
6. A girl's name: molly
7. Alcoholic drink: mai tai
8. An occupation: manicurist
9. Something you wear: moleskin coat
10. A celebrity: marky mark
11. A food: muffin
12. Something found in a bathroom: magazines
13. Reason for being late: moving violation
14. Something you shout: michael (yes?! no?!)
15. An animal: millipede
16. A body part: molar

the coast

2008-04-28T14:06:00.001-07:00

the coast was nice. i'm back.

travels (long and short)

2008-04-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

i'll be at the coast this weekend. i'll see you when i see you.

laughs

2008-04-18T07:38:00.000-07:00

the show the office makes me laugh. i love that show.

visiting my grandparents

2008-04-16T07:57:00.000-07:00

i was working in pixley yesterday, so i stopped in tulare on my way home because i felt like visiting the gravesite of my grandpa and grandma (my dads parents). my grandma died before i was born, so i never got to know her. and my grandpa died about a year and a half ago. every once in a while i miss that this grandma, Bobbe Jean Wise, wasn't able to be a part in my life. but i overthink many things, this included. like that if my grandma had lived, my dads life might have taken a different direction and i may not even be here today. and on and on. but i wish i could have known my grandma. my grandpa, Clifford Duane Wise, was a good man and i loved him. i wasn't as close to him as i could have been, but thats my fault because i'm not as close with any of my family as i feel i should be. i'm sure this is common, but since they are not here to answer my questions or give me advise i feel that there is so much i wish i could get from them. one thing i'm sad about in particular is that i never talked to my grandpa about my grandma. my grandpa remarried some five to eight years later, so i grew up knowing a different grandma and never felt comfortable bringing up Bobbe with him. i wish i had, partly to learn about her and partly for something else.
so i cried at their gravesite. but it was out of selfishness. i was sad that they weren't there for me. to help me and answer my questions and give me advise. i do miss them, but yesterday i cried for me. sometimes tears bring relief or healing or peace, but these didn't. these were tears of loss and sadness and regret. they were tears of realization that they couldn't help me, and that i'd have to figure out my life and my problems without them.
but it was still good to visit their gravesite and say hi and tell them that i miss them.

a poem i've always enjoyed

2008-04-03T13:40:00.000-07:00

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

IMPORTANT information about me!!!

2008-03-28T16:14:00.000-07:00

I'm "borrowing" this from Carly, who got it somewhere else.
Anyway! Enough about me, let's talk about me...

Hi, my name is: michael
but you can call me: whatever works
Never in my life have I: smoked a cigarette
The one person who can drive me nuts is: me (maybe that's cheating, but i'm going with it)
My high school was: just so-so
When I’m nervous: i bite my fingernails (i also bite them when i'm not nervous)
The last song I listened to was: f me pumps by amy winehouse
If I were to get married right now it would be to: a woman i loved
My hair is: a memory
When I was 4: all of my moms friends loved me (of coures they were all 20 at the time)
Last Christmas: i was in the bay area playing sponge bob monoply with my little brother
I should be: working right now...and i mean RIGHT NOW
When I look down I see: everything from my chest down (mmmm...sexy, huh!? no? okay then)
The happiest recent event was: my moms birthday, and her smile when i gave her flowers
If I were a character on ‘Friends’ : i'd probably be similar to chandler
By this time next year: things may be different
My current gripe is: the price of gas
I have a hard time understanding: what i should do with my life
There’s these girls: who love me now, but who knows if they'll love me later (they're 7,5,3,1)
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: whoever i think would think it was cool
I want to buy: other people things
Where do you plan to visit: england
If you spent the night at my house: we'd stay up all night talking
The world could do without: hate
Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: a netflix subscription
Most recent thing someone else bought me: a card
My middle name is: duane
In the morning I: pray for whoever is on my mind
Last night I was: not doing laundry like i told myself earlier in the day i would
If I was an animal I’d be a: tiger or a monkey
A better name for me would be: you tell me
Tomorrow I am: playing poker in the evening in tulare with friends
Tonight I am: doing laundry...then it depends on what others are doing
My birthday is: towards the end of november

the gym

2008-03-24T07:54:00.000-07:00

it seems like alot of my friends have been talking about the gym. they are going. they are thinking of going. they are planning on going. i'm not planning on joining a gym, but i would like to start working out some. my apartment complex has a workout room that would suit my needs. so now all i need to do is make my way over to this room and work out. wish me luck.

how did that get there?

2008-03-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

i haven't listened to cypress hill in quite a while. i don't think i've heard them on the radio in quite a while. so why then has one of their songs been playing through my head all morning?

what to do during the week, in the evening

2008-03-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

i usually try to watch jeopardy at 7. i've been reading practically every night (a variety of books). i have some dvds that i can watch over and over, so every so often i'll put on one. and currently i am receiving netflix so over the next couple of weeks this is what i have slated to receive and watch:
grindhouse: planet terror (robert rodriguez zombie movie)
grindhouse: death proof (quinten tarentino something something)
waitress (i've heard good things about it)
dexter: season 1 (4 discs) (i've seen a few episodes on sunday nights and like it)
the prestige
the borne ultimatum (i liked the first 2, so i figure this one will be good too)
the royal tenenbaums
lost in translation (i'm very attracted to scarlett johansen)
blade runner: directors cut (i've always been a fan of sci-fi, and like this movie)
willow
children of men

homeland security

2008-03-20T13:08:00.000-07:00

so i just got back from lunch, and am sitting at my desk when two people come in the front door. and who do they say they are? homeland security. at least that's whay the guy says as he shows me his badge. well, there are no managers in the office right now, so i give him the address to our main office so he can speak to our human resourses director. crazy. i hope no one is in trouble.

as days turn in to years

2008-03-18T08:18:00.000-07:00

does time just keep going by faster, the older you get. i'd say all the way through eighth grade, it would take forever to get to...your birthday, or a holiday, or summer, or the weekend. once i got into high school though, i began to notice time moving faster. and now, i'm 31, it's already march, it's almost summer, and on and on.
at the same time that my life flies past me, i just know that this week is going to take forever. maybe to say "i know" is wrong, but i have a strong feeling. maybe that's good though; i have a thing or two i need to prove to myself i can do. 1 day down, 4 to go.

why not work

2008-03-15T07:51:00.000-07:00

well, it's saturday morning and i'm working. this doesn't happen very often. last night my boss called and asked if i could work today. sure. so i'm in the office now, but leaving to go to a jobsite. what is my task? to be a company representative while we have subcontractors on the site performing work today. what does that mean? i sit around for 7-8-9 hours reading a book or twiddling my thumbs while these guys work. i can use the money, and really, what else was i going to do today. i never know what i'm doing until someone says lets do something. so i can talk and see what's going on tonight, i just can't do anything during the day.

what the flip, kip

2008-03-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

so either something is wrong with my phone or none of my friends have had anything to say over the last couple of days. i guess now would be a good time to look at my phone bill and make sure that its not overdue and been shut off, making my friends and family wonder and worry about me.

i need new clothes

2008-03-10T16:49:00.000-07:00

that doesn't mean that i'm getting new clothes, just that i need them. my three-shirt rotation seems to have been noticed by a few of my friends...but sara's deep love of my green recycle shirt keeps me smiling for now. with st. patricks day coming up, i might have to find another cool green shirt. there's no way that it will be as cool as my recycle shirt, but if it's close i'll be happy.

what's new

2008-03-10T08:02:00.001-07:00

nothing. went to the zoo on saturday with sara & georgia, adam, ed & heather, and nick. before that we had lunch in the park with george, ken & anna & eden. lunch and the zoo were both fun.
i forgot to adjust my clock saturday night, so i missed church sunday morning.
i know none of this was even worth reading, sorry, i just felt i needed to say something.

looking back, i might be a bad friend

2008-03-03T13:23:00.000-08:00

i was thinking of some of my old friends. people who played important roles in my past, but who i don't know anymore. maybe our worlds drifted apart. maybe we got into a fight. maybe they (or i) moved or went away to school. maybe that's just life.
all i know is that i had some good friends that i enjoyed being with and who helped me through some tough times; but now they're just part of my past. and unfortuantely i don't have the best memory.
but people can change. and hopefully old dogs can learn new tricks. and hopefully i'm a better friend to you than i was to them.

today

2008-02-26T15:44:00.000-08:00

my heart itches like adam's tattoo. recent self-introspection was like the needle, or the ink, or both. but it's healing now. and i like it's new look - similar to before...but different (a good different). and right now it itches.

how to get from there to here

2008-02-26T15:22:00.001-08:00

i was looking through my posts, and this one was listed as a draft. back on 2-26-08, and today it is 10-30-09. maybe i posted something similar to it later...or not. here it is, one of the things i was thinking of that day.

i have thoughts, and ideas, and feelings that are swirling around in my head. and inside my head i understand them. i see them, hear them, and feel them. some of these thoughts, and ideas, and feelings are meant just for me. but some of them - some of them need to be shared, or expressed, or given to others.

and that's where i feel like i struggle. they don't seem to sound the same when i speak them. they don't look the same when i write them down. and their intention seems changed when i tell someone them.

it may be my imagination. or it may be true.

just so you know

2008-02-25T08:00:00.000-08:00

i haven't been in a real good mood lately (another way to say it would be that i haven't been myself). it's a combination of things. so if i normally interact with you and something seems off...it's not you, it's me.
update:
can you go through a mid-life crisis at 31? and what is a mid-life crisis?
second update in two minutes:
i guess if i only live to 62, this would be the perfect time for one.
3rd update:
it's almost 5. i'm happy i made it through the day. i think i'll go home and collapse, although i need to run 2 errands first.

how 'fashion forward' i am

2008-02-21T13:38:00.000-08:00

i went to lunch with my friend/coworker/boss josh today. as we were driving, he looks over at me and says, "my grandpa called, he wants his shirt back." i'm okay with it looking like his grandpas shirt. i like it. this shirt is a white, short-sleeve, button-up with vertical textured striping (that's as best as i can describe it with my limited fashion vocabulary). maybe ed can take a picture of it tonight as adam gets his tattoo. then i can update this post with a picture.

my haiku

2008-02-21T13:25:00.000-08:00

i commented on carly's blog post titled 'wednesday haiku' with one of my own. here it is:

light wanes.
leaves fall in love.
beautiful.

i have other versions of the same haiku in carly's comment section, so i won't put them here.

recap/update - what a new year means

2008-02-15T13:05:00.000-08:00

i had lunch with my friend ed today, and a topic that came up breifly was how my 'resolutions' were coming along. so let's see.
a few things i wish to achieve this year:
1. a career.
2. a relationship.
3. a healthy body.
4. get outdoors/travel more.
5. feed friendships.
6. get out of debt.
7. find god.
8. learn about my background.
9.
here is where i stand two and a half months later:
1. i've told my employers (at the beginning of february) that i want to keep working there; that i want to turn what i do into a valuable position that merits a better salary. they seem all for it; i just have to realize that nothing happens overnight. so i'll work hard, and hopefully begin to see the fruits of my labors soon.
2. nothing new. i have started going to another church sunday mornings, so at least seeing new/more people is a step in the right direction. i have a split relationship personality - i'm in no real hurry...and i'd love to be in a relationship right now.
3. i haven't seen the inside of a gym yet. but i'm trying (and succeeding more than failing) to eat more fruits and drink more water instead of soda. baby steps.
4. i'm going to colorado to see becky and jay get married this summer. hopefully that counts, because i don't have many other plans. yet.
5. this is a roller coaster. i go from seeing and hanging out with friends every day, to seeing them once in two weeks. but overall i think most of my friendships are growing and improving. always more work to be done though.
6. right now there is no improvement. maybe i'll make more money soon - then i can begin to work on my debt.
7. not much new here. i am going to a second church, so that may be looked at as good. but sometimes you're not ready to back up the things you say. i'm not sure that i'm ready for god right now.
8. i've done nothing to help accomplish this yet.
9. i was hoping that by the time i got here, i'd have something to add. i don't.
there it is. remixed. remastered. now available on a two disc, collectors edition, signed blah blah blah.

6 words

2008-02-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

as far as our part of the web world goes, this meme was started with carly.
write a story in 6 words.
Legend has it that Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? "For sale: baby shoes, never worn."
"Everyone hs a story. Can you tell yours in six words?"
here's mine:
when we die, let's die together.
i tag: heather stew, eleanore, dennis

good times

2008-02-04T10:43:00.000-08:00

i had a lot of fun this weekend. friday i went to the opening of a new bar/restaurant with sara, adam, nick and nick. saturday i don't remember doing much until the evening when ed and heather invited people over to watch ufc fights before going to the landmark for drinks. then sunday was the super bowl, which was exciting and had an unexpected winner.
but saturday night at landmark was a highlight. if i remember right, there was ed, adam, myself, sara, woody, nick and kasey (if i forgot someone, sorry, but i think brian, the other nick and leah were out on friday). we rolled dice, had some drinks and cracked plenty of jokes. i adopted one (maybe two) nicknames...we'll have to see if they stick or not. ed finally dried up the landmarks store of seagrams 7 (my contribution was minimal). and i'd have to say that aces has become the groups 2nd favorite dice game behind liars.

the mission - create a story

2008-01-31T08:15:00.000-08:00

i had an idea to create a scene or story that had to include a list of words in it. there are 10 words that must be used. they do not have to be used in any particular order. you can use alternate meanings of the words, or their normal usage. the story can be a run-on sentence, or a paragraph(s). you can use as many of the key words in a sentence that you want. after writing your story, you should tag 3 others to do the same.

i tag:
sara, ed, adam

the words:
1. pot 2. pan 3. spoon 4. fork 5. knife 6. glass 7. fire 8. water 9. light 10. sink

the story:
i saw him going the other direction - skipping, playing a pan flute. it sounded like water making its way down a stream. i closed my eyes to let it sink in. when i opened my eyes again the sun had moved behind the branches of an old oak tree. the light that shone through was dappled and wonderful looking. i stared at the sun through that tree for i don't know how long. finally i started up again, making my way down the dusty dirt path. when i came to the fork in the road i went left. as i rounded a corner i saw the lake, with water as smooth as glass, stretching off into the distance. i picked up my pace, needing to make a fire before the sun went down. when i get back, a fire is already going. she had made it. and now she was looking through my bag. i say, "if you're looking for pot, you won't find any." she looks up with a devilish smirk, "HA HA!" followed by "who doesn't bring a knife camping?" i show her where the knife is. after dinner we sit by the fire, moving closer to it as the night gets colder. i yawn and say it's time to go to bed. "do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?" i tell her i want to be the big spoon.

overwhelmed

2008-01-28T10:44:00.000-08:00

i would have to assume that we all are overwhelmed by life and events sometimes. it could be something positive or good, like a marriage or a baby or a vacation. or it could be something negative, like a failure or a mistake or a sadness. it could be an everyday life event that isn't one or the other. or it could be none of these. maybe it's hard to pin down.
i feel overwhelmed. i feel like i'm looking up out of a hole, wondering how i can get out.
or maybe like taking a walk. a long walk. its like i wanted to go on this walking journey, so i started walking. so i've been walking and walking and walking. for days and weeks and months and years. and i've gone a long way. a long way. but i'm done with my walk now, and i'd like to get back home. how the hell do i get home? i don't know how to get home. and it's overwhelming me. it drains me. it's eating at me; killing me slowly. my mind, my heart, my spirit, my body, my will. my drive and desire. the only part of my body that works are my tear ducts. the only part of my mind that works is the self-hate.
what i just said may look or sound bad; but it's not too bad. i figure there are 100 parts that make up the person that i am. this is only 1 part. but this is the part that spilled out of me today.
connected to this - but apart from it - is the idea of someone to listen to me and my problems who has no connection to me. the idea of giving every detail to a person to examine and study and come to a conclusion about (and maybe give an answer or direction), unlike the vague blurry generalities i present here. i know that these people exist, and that they're called therapists. i know this.
it's about time for lunch, so i'm gonna stop here.

weekend events

2008-01-21T08:40:00.000-08:00

i went down to bakersfield this last saturday to hang out with my friend woody because his wife was out of town and he had nothing else to do. so we just hung out, watched tv, and then went to see charlie wilson's war. the movie was rated r for nutidy, language, and war violence...but if you can handle that ok, i think you would enjoy this movie. i haven't read up to see how accurate the movie was to actual historical events, but it seemed like it could have been close. i enjoyed it. i thought the actors did a good job (tom hanks, julia roberts, and philip seymour hoffman), and the story moved well. i'm glad i saw this movie over practically everything else showing. i would have watched sweeney todd and juno, too. so i'll need to see those some other time.
and one other thing. after the movie we went out for a drink (i don't remember the name of the place), and while we were sitting at the bar some people were leaving and we overhear a comment. what is the comment? it's one guy saying to his friend, "hey, that guy looks like serj from system of a down." i heard it, but didn't put two and two together. but woody turns to me and asks if i heard what he said, and says that people say stuff like that quite often. so that was pretty funny.

self image

2008-01-11T10:43:00.000-08:00

i took a picture of myself last night, but i didn't like it so i deleted it. if someone else was there to look at it, they probably would have said that it was fine. i would like to see myself through other peoples eyes...maybe...just for a day. what do people see when they see me? what do people think about me, or feel about me, when they see me? i know that there is more to a person than their looks; and when you look at a person you see more of them than just their looks. the more you know a person (family, friend, spouse/other), the more "extras" you see or project on to the image your eyes are taking in. language seems so...inadequate (or maybe just my ability to understand and/or express it). i wish i could express better what i see when i look at people (maybe only sometimes i wish this). maybe that's why i didn't like the picture i took last night. because sometimes i see everything about me (all of the "extras", good or bad) and sometimes that overwhelms the picture, pours out of it, ruins it. can anyone understand what i'm saying, whether they agree or not, or is this just confusing? maybe someone else can better say, or elaborate on, or further explain what i tried to start here.