we'll see what the future holds

i think i'm done for now. no need to look here again. it probably won't change for a while.

more fail

it's not just relationships i guess. i feel like i fail at everything.
and who doesn't want a guy who has that attitude?
form a line ladies, let's keep it civil.

fail

i was thinking about all of the relationships that i've failed at.
it's a long list.

questions 1 thru 5? 10? 15? 20? 25? 30? 35? 40?

how many people *(family)* are going to ask me how many questions over the next week and a half? how about, when i have something new or worth while to tell you, i'll tell you, and until then don't ask. i don't care if it's been a week, a month, or a year. don't ask. i don't want to talk to you about me. sports, fine. the weather, fine. unicorns and pixey dust, fine.

white elephant

so we are having a white elephant gift exchange at work today. i took things that were laying around my house, and decorated it with things that were laying around my house. i'm very happy with what my gift contains and how my gift is decorated.

my gift contains the following:
1. Road Warrior DVD - new
2. Pocket Arcade Electronic Sudoku - new
3. Package of Rainforest Animal Stickers - new
4. Block of Clear Plastic that says I'm a 3 Gallon Donor from the Central California Blood Center
5. Some Miscellaneous Electronic Devise for a Digital Camera - new
6. Blue Homemade Scarf
7. Dumb and Dumber Soundtrack - used
8. Orange Flex Fit Hat from a backhoe company my company uses
9. Large Sticker (10 inches x 14 inches) saying WARNING (in huge letters) DETECTABLE AMOUNTS OF CHEMICALS KNOWN TO THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA TO CAUSE CANCER, BIRTH DEFECTS, OR OTHER REPRODUCTIVE HARM MAY BE FOUND IN AND AROUND THIS FACILITY (in regular-sized letters). (PROPOSITION 65, CALIFORNIA HEALTH AND SAFETY CODE SECTION 254249.6 ET SEQ.) (in small letters)

my gift is decorated with:
1. each item is individually wrapped
2. they are all put in the same box
3. the box is decorated with old, unused christmas cards (the fronts and the sayings inside them) in random order and placement...but classy.

it was fun. i just hope i'm not let down by everyone else not thinking it's as funny as i do.

le sigh

i don't know what's wrong with me.
all i know is that nothing makes me happy.
if i had the guts, i'd move away and try to start over.

free time

what to do.
i can only watch so much television.
i can only watch so many dvds.
i don't have a computer at home to use.
i don't have a video game system either.
i don't have a girlfriend to occupy my time.

i'm going to start working out. just at the little "gym" at my apartment complex. maybe after i succeed at this level for awhile i might join a real gym. we'll see.

and i would like to volunteer somewhere. i know kasey tried helping at the spca, and that didn't pan out, but i would like to look into it anyway. there is one a few minutes away from where i work, and there is an animal shelter (i think it's an animal shelter) being built close to where i live.

fool

there are many things that make me me. here is one example: i take things just a little too far.

feel free to agree, inquire, add others, or move on.

unfortunate

when i decided to begin blogging, i think i thought it would be a way to express thoughts/feeling/ideas that i didn't want to actually voice. but it's not working out like that. the things i want to say, and the feelings i want to share are still inside. why? because even though i want to get them out, i don't really want anyone i know or who knows me to read them or know them. so i guess that means that i need to journal at home along with blogging about regular things. it's not that i don't want anyone to see them, it's that i want to be anonymous. maybe that's why i like postsecert so much, because they succeed at that.

before

i yelled into a void. what did i think was going to happen? of course there was no answer. i stared into this same void, trying to make something out. obviously i failed to see.



before, when i said "i yelled", i was lying. i spoke softly and quickly. i wanted to say as much as i could, while making sure no one overheard. my words floated away from me, bearing my message.



before, when i said "i spoke softly and quickly", i was lying. no words left my lips. there are still words out there from before. i'll wait to hear an answer to them.

a desire...almost strong enough for action

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul. ~John Muir

like that

in the last scene of point break, when bodhi paddles out into the raging sea.

the sea

i am drawn to the ocean. to waves crashing on the shore. the immensity of the ocean. its power and fluidity. i could sit and watch it for hours. the sight, the sounds, the smell, the wind, the sun (or not). what a wonderful scene they combine to make. add a storm to that and you get something that it takes a word like "awsome" to describe.

it's been too long since i've viewed a scene like that. i miss it dearly. and to have someone to share it with...well, the search continues.

what happens now?

that's what i've been thinking for some time

what i hear

tears sliding down cheeks
emptiness where there should be your voice
regret

what i see

saddness that can't be hidden
loneliness that isn't comforted
a story that doesn't end well

it's friday, what does that mean?

me: long time, no see.
laundry: i know, it's been awhile.
me: what's it been, a week?
laundry: oh, i think longer than that my friend.
me: not much longer. right?
laundry: okay, you're right, not much longer. but longer than a week.
me: okay. so how have you been?
laundry: building an army.
me: what does that mean?
laundry: you know what it means. how many pair of underwear do you have? how many clean work shirts do you have? i have them all.
me: not all.
laundry: um, besides the shirt on your back and the boxer briefs on your hips, what else do you have that's clean.
me: nothing.
laundry: that's right.
me: you don't have to get all better-than-thou with me.
laundry: i have the power. i can do what i want.
me: i still have power.
laundry: you have no power. clothes equal power, and you have none.
me: maybe i don't need clothes.
laundry: you need clothes. don't be rediculous.
me: ever hear of "going comando"?
laundry: empty threat.
me: we both know that threat's not empty.
laundry: you won't do it.
me: done!
laundry: this isn't over.

the fresno fair

i went to the fair last night with ed and adam. it was fun. please to be directed to ed's blog page for a full and accurate review of the evening (with pictures even).

update

the highlight of my week (maybe the only highlight) was the office last night. i don't know if i can love jim and dwight any more than i do right now.
work is going fine.
i haven't talked to my mom and that side of the family in a couple of weeks.
i haven't talked to my dad and that side of the family for months and months (really. it's sad on my part).
i have no personal life, and no prospects at the moment.

spiral: downward