no title

do you ever do something for so long, that you can't imagine it being otherwise? even if you want it to be? an object/event/situation/relationship in motion tends to stay in motion. i can say that i want something/someone to be in my path in order to help me change (a little or a lot, for the worse or for better), but don't actions speak louder than words? than intentions? than hopes, dreams, and desires?

because it would seem that my actions say otherwise. why am i 32 and still single? why did i never pursue a career? why don't i travel the way i say i want to? why this? whay that? why the other? i wonder how my life will end up turning out? saying/thinking this, i assume some people will think or wonder why i don't take charge and make something happen. make something change. make. do. pursue. be proactive. but i don't think i'm that kind of guy. at least i'm not that kind of guy right now.

so what do i do? what should i expect? can a light just come on, and a change occur? can a desire or drive just well up inside me? can a spontaneous personality change just happen one day?

where in the world is mike wise charlie...

...i would like to be at the coast. but i'm not. i'm here in fresno. i guess the bright side is that it could be worse.

i was just thinking this afternoon, so i figured i would try to put some of those thoughts in this post. and then i will look back and see how successful i was.

i was fondly remembering the few friends that i've had throughout the last 15 years or so that i could have serious, close-to-the-heart, put it all out on the table discussions/conversations with. how wonderful is it (usually noticed/comprehended/appreaciated after-the-fact) to be able to bare a part of yourself to someone (no matter how big or small) when it stays hidden to the rest of the world. to expose that secret. to confess that fear. to voice that opinion. to proclaim whatever it is that you proclaim. to show that person a part of your soul/heart/mind that allows them to know you in a special way from there on out. it tweaks your friendship/relationship/whatever just the tiniest bit. but that's all that needed to happen to procure the change.

i look forward to the next time something like this happens to me, and the next person it happens with. not that i'm sending out invitations to have a heart-to-heart talk, or that the next time i have a conversation with one of my friends that it needs to be life-changing. because i think that part of what makes it work, and what makes it special, is the natural, out-of-the-blue way it usually happens. you don't go searching for; it just happens...i think?

back to my original thought (i think). i feel like i've been alone too long. some/many/all of the things that i would have shared over the last 1, 2, 5, 10 years have been thrown on the shelf, waiting to be released into the trust of someone else. but now there are so many of these things inside of me that some are lost, some are broken, some are lost inside of others, and some have had time to build up walls around themselves...making them harder to get to. and now i've lost my train of thought. so i guess this post is complete.

good looking out, mom

i called my mom the other day to ask what everyone was doing for easter. my dad is working, my brother is working, my sister might be working. so nothing is happening for easter. my mom says she is going to ride along with my dad. feeling a bit lonely, i say that maybe i will ride along too. and to this, my mom says, "i don't think you'll like that". slightly confused, i ask why i wouldn't like that. and she says, "do you want to have your dad ask you questions all day"? no i don't. good looking out, mom, good looking out.

living la vida loca

no i'm not. but apparently i am still alive. i watched pulp fiction at the movies last thursday with ed, adam, and kari (hopefully that is how she spells her name), and that was alot of fun. i house sat/dog sat for some friends this last weekend. so there you have it, still alive.

update

what have i been up to lately? not much.

we'll see what the future holds

i think i'm done for now. no need to look here again. it probably won't change for a while.

more fail

it's not just relationships i guess. i feel like i fail at everything.
and who doesn't want a guy who has that attitude?
form a line ladies, let's keep it civil.

fail

i was thinking about all of the relationships that i've failed at.
it's a long list.

questions 1 thru 5? 10? 15? 20? 25? 30? 35? 40?

how many people *(family)* are going to ask me how many questions over the next week and a half? how about, when i have something new or worth while to tell you, i'll tell you, and until then don't ask. i don't care if it's been a week, a month, or a year. don't ask. i don't want to talk to you about me. sports, fine. the weather, fine. unicorns and pixey dust, fine.

white elephant

so we are having a white elephant gift exchange at work today. i took things that were laying around my house, and decorated it with things that were laying around my house. i'm very happy with what my gift contains and how my gift is decorated.

my gift contains the following:
1. Road Warrior DVD - new
2. Pocket Arcade Electronic Sudoku - new
3. Package of Rainforest Animal Stickers - new
4. Block of Clear Plastic that says I'm a 3 Gallon Donor from the Central California Blood Center
5. Some Miscellaneous Electronic Devise for a Digital Camera - new
6. Blue Homemade Scarf
7. Dumb and Dumber Soundtrack - used
8. Orange Flex Fit Hat from a backhoe company my company uses
9. Large Sticker (10 inches x 14 inches) saying WARNING (in huge letters) DETECTABLE AMOUNTS OF CHEMICALS KNOWN TO THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA TO CAUSE CANCER, BIRTH DEFECTS, OR OTHER REPRODUCTIVE HARM MAY BE FOUND IN AND AROUND THIS FACILITY (in regular-sized letters). (PROPOSITION 65, CALIFORNIA HEALTH AND SAFETY CODE SECTION 254249.6 ET SEQ.) (in small letters)

my gift is decorated with:
1. each item is individually wrapped
2. they are all put in the same box
3. the box is decorated with old, unused christmas cards (the fronts and the sayings inside them) in random order and placement...but classy.

it was fun. i just hope i'm not let down by everyone else not thinking it's as funny as i do.

le sigh

i don't know what's wrong with me.
all i know is that nothing makes me happy.
if i had the guts, i'd move away and try to start over.

free time

what to do.
i can only watch so much television.
i can only watch so many dvds.
i don't have a computer at home to use.
i don't have a video game system either.
i don't have a girlfriend to occupy my time.

i'm going to start working out. just at the little "gym" at my apartment complex. maybe after i succeed at this level for awhile i might join a real gym. we'll see.

and i would like to volunteer somewhere. i know kasey tried helping at the spca, and that didn't pan out, but i would like to look into it anyway. there is one a few minutes away from where i work, and there is an animal shelter (i think it's an animal shelter) being built close to where i live.

fool

there are many things that make me me. here is one example: i take things just a little too far.

feel free to agree, inquire, add others, or move on.

unfortunate

when i decided to begin blogging, i think i thought it would be a way to express thoughts/feeling/ideas that i didn't want to actually voice. but it's not working out like that. the things i want to say, and the feelings i want to share are still inside. why? because even though i want to get them out, i don't really want anyone i know or who knows me to read them or know them. so i guess that means that i need to journal at home along with blogging about regular things. it's not that i don't want anyone to see them, it's that i want to be anonymous. maybe that's why i like postsecert so much, because they succeed at that.

before

i yelled into a void. what did i think was going to happen? of course there was no answer. i stared into this same void, trying to make something out. obviously i failed to see.



before, when i said "i yelled", i was lying. i spoke softly and quickly. i wanted to say as much as i could, while making sure no one overheard. my words floated away from me, bearing my message.



before, when i said "i spoke softly and quickly", i was lying. no words left my lips. there are still words out there from before. i'll wait to hear an answer to them.

a desire...almost strong enough for action

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul. ~John Muir

like that

in the last scene of point break, when bodhi paddles out into the raging sea.

the sea

i am drawn to the ocean. to waves crashing on the shore. the immensity of the ocean. its power and fluidity. i could sit and watch it for hours. the sight, the sounds, the smell, the wind, the sun (or not). what a wonderful scene they combine to make. add a storm to that and you get something that it takes a word like "awsome" to describe.

it's been too long since i've viewed a scene like that. i miss it dearly. and to have someone to share it with...well, the search continues.

what happens now?

that's what i've been thinking for some time