Sunday, April 04, 2010

sunday

maybe it's something that happened to me long ago, that i've repressed, but others can see in me. or maybe it's a gene that in most people is recessive, but in me it's dominant. but i think there is something in me that is driving me to be alone. it's like i can't help it; no matter what course i take, what choices i make, or how much i try, i always end up here. it's like some weird evolutionarry flaw/defect i have, where i like women who don't like me, i don't like women who like me, i ruin relationships that i get into, i get into relationships that i know won't work, and so on and so forth. i don't know what i am doing wrong, but i know i am doing something wrong. or many things wrong. or everything wrong.

and i hope you understand that i don't think i am unique. i know there are plenty of unhappy men and women out there who feel very similar to (if not exactly) the way i do. but overall, i think we are a fairly small percentage. most people can make relationships work. most people can be happy with someone for a reasonable amount of time (if not indefinitely). most people can go from one relationship to the next. most people can keep trying until they find one that works. most people have one or more appealing traits that draw the opposite sex to them.

but me. maybe i help people feel happy and lucky because they have someone. to know that you could be like me but you're not has to be a great relief.

maybe it's my lot in life to be alone. not everyone can be happy after all. equal and opposite forces. yin and yang. i'm not sure that anyone wants to be the sad, alone one. but someone has to be, right!?

8 comments:

Carrie said...

Up until about a year and a half ago I used to try and convince myself of the exact same thing. "Maybe I am just destined to be alone." I tried to prepare myself for that eventuality so I could go on and make myself happy in other ways.

Life is funny. You never know what will happen.

Anonymous said...

hi i did not read it because it was too long but it looks good

Patrick Flynn said...

Stumbled upon your blog while editing my fairly lame attempt at a blog. I have been doing a great deal of introspection as I go through a divorce, and thought I could give you a reading list to lift your spirits a bit. May even help you get past what is going on in your most recent post. #1 the Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz (new version has 5, but havent read that one). It is about breaking with all those little 'social contracts' you have made up in order to fit in, or conform, and adopting 4 simple agreements that will make you happy, or at least help. #2 Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle. Gets a bit deeper, a little 'new age' but has great advice. And it will help you discover that in order to find peace and happiness you need to look inside, and know that the externals are something that have no effect on you. #3 is another book by Tolle "A New Earth" gets even deeper into the philosophy of reducing worry of the future, and regrets from the past and embracing what is happening right now.

Hope it helps :)

Latifa K said...

I came across your blog, and this post is really interesting because just the other day I was talking to a friend and basically said the same thing that you said in this post, and she agreed.
We could never seem to get into a proper relationship that lasted for long, or even for a decent amount of time.
I thought it was because, subconsciously we're not ready for a relationships and things not working out in a relationship is just our way of getting out of it. I dont honestly mind much (it means you get to focus on important things like your carreer and family), but I just wanted to say that what you expressed in this post...well, you're not the only one. And I think your feelings will change with time. Just dont rush it!

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SingleLatinaMama said...

You are not alone and i think this ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the time ;)

luiza richards said...

everybody is tragically alone in this world even if we don't want to accept it.