Tuesday, December 23, 2008

questions 1 thru 5? 10? 15? 20? 25? 30? 35? 40?

how many people *(family)* are going to ask me how many questions over the next week and a half? how about, when i have something new or worth while to tell you, i'll tell you, and until then don't ask. i don't care if it's been a week, a month, or a year. don't ask. i don't want to talk to you about me. sports, fine. the weather, fine. unicorns and pixey dust, fine.

Friday, December 19, 2008

white elephant

so we are having a white elephant gift exchange at work today. i took things that were laying around my house, and decorated it with things that were laying around my house. i'm very happy with what my gift contains and how my gift is decorated.

my gift contains the following:
1. Road Warrior DVD - new
2. Pocket Arcade Electronic Sudoku - new
3. Package of Rainforest Animal Stickers - new
4. Block of Clear Plastic that says I'm a 3 Gallon Donor from the Central California Blood Center
5. Some Miscellaneous Electronic Devise for a Digital Camera - new
6. Blue Homemade Scarf
7. Dumb and Dumber Soundtrack - used
8. Orange Flex Fit Hat from a backhoe company my company uses

my gift is decorated with:
1. each item is individually wrapped
2. they are all put in the same box
3. the box is decorated with old, unused christmas cards (the fronts and the sayings inside them) in random order and placement...but classy.

it was fun. i just hope i'm not let down by everyone else not thinking it's as funny as i do.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

le sigh

i don't know what's wrong with me.
all i know is that nothing makes me happy.
if i had the guts, i'd move away and try to start over.

Monday, December 15, 2008

free time

what to do.
i can only watch so much television.
i can only watch so many dvds.
i don't have a computer at home to use.
i don't have a video game system either.
i don't have a girlfriend to occupy my time.

i'm going to start working out. just at the little "gym" at my apartment complex. maybe after i succeed at this level for awhile i might join a real gym. we'll see.

and i would like to volunteer somewhere. i know kasey tried helping at the spca, and that didn't pan out, but i would like to look into it anyway. there is one a few minutes away from where i work, and there is an animal shelter (i think it's an animal shelter) being built close to where i live.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008


there are many things that make me me. here is one example: i take things just a little too far.

feel free to agree, inquire, add others, or move on.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008


when i decided to begin blogging, i think i thought it would be a way to express thoughts/feeling/ideas that i didn't want to actually voice. but it's not working out like that. the things i want to say, and the feelings i want to share are still inside. why? because even though i want to get them out, i don't really want anyone i know or who knows me to read them or know them. so i guess that means that i need to journal at home along with blogging about regular things. it's not that i don't want anyone to see them, it's that i want to be anonymous. maybe that's why i like postsecert so much, because they succeed at that.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


i yelled into a void. what did i think was going to happen? of course there was no answer. i stared into this same void, trying to make something out. obviously i failed to see.

before, when i said "i yelled", i was lying. i spoke softly and quickly. i wanted to say as much as i could, while making sure no one overheard. my words floated away from me, bearing my message.

before, when i said "i spoke softly and quickly", i was lying. no words left my lips. there are still words out there from before. i'll wait to hear an answer to them.

Monday, November 17, 2008

a desire...almost strong enough for action

Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul. ~John Muir

Monday, November 10, 2008

like that

in the last scene of point break, when bodhi paddles out into the raging sea.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

the sea

i am drawn to the ocean. to waves crashing on the shore. the immensity of the ocean. its power and fluidity. i could sit and watch it for hours. the sight, the sounds, the smell, the wind, the sun (or not). what a wonderful scene they combine to make. add a storm to that and you get something that it takes a word like "awsome" to describe.

it's been too long since i've viewed a scene like that. i miss it dearly. and to have someone to share it with...well, the search continues.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

what happens now?

that's what i've been thinking for some time

Friday, October 24, 2008

what i hear

tears sliding down cheeks
emptiness where there should be your voice

Thursday, October 23, 2008

what i see

saddness that can't be hidden
loneliness that isn't comforted
a story that doesn't end well

Friday, October 17, 2008

it's friday, what does that mean?

me: long time, no see.
laundry: i know, it's been awhile.
me: what's it been, a week?
laundry: oh, i think longer than that my friend.
me: not much longer. right?
laundry: okay, you're right, not much longer. but longer than a week.
me: okay. so how have you been?
laundry: building an army.
me: what does that mean?
laundry: you know what it means. how many pair of underwear do you have? how many clean work shirts do you have? i have them all.
me: not all.
laundry: um, besides the shirt on your back and the boxer briefs on your hips, what else do you have that's clean.
me: nothing.
laundry: that's right.
me: you don't have to get all better-than-thou with me.
laundry: i have the power. i can do what i want.
me: i still have power.
laundry: you have no power. clothes equal power, and you have none.
me: maybe i don't need clothes.
laundry: you need clothes. don't be rediculous.
me: ever hear of "going comando"?
laundry: empty threat.
me: we both know that threat's not empty.
laundry: you won't do it.
me: done!
laundry: this isn't over.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

the fresno fair

i went to the fair last night with ed and adam. it was fun. please to be directed to ed's blog page for a full and accurate review of the evening (with pictures even).

Friday, October 10, 2008


the highlight of my week (maybe the only highlight) was the office last night. i don't know if i can love jim and dwight any more than i do right now.
work is going fine.
i haven't talked to my mom and that side of the family in a couple of weeks.
i haven't talked to my dad and that side of the family for months and months (really. it's sad on my part).
i have no personal life, and no prospects at the moment.

spiral: downward

Friday, September 26, 2008

thursday night tv

i watched the first hour of survivor last night, and then the office.

it seems like survivor tries to cover all of its bases with the cast it puts together each season. it starts with 18 contestants. there are 6 young, attractive women. there are 6 young, muscular men. and then there are 6 old/weak/unattractive people. at least that's how i break them down when i see them for the first time. maybe that says more about me than anything else - because i don't have to try to fit them into these catagories, they just fall into them automatically. anyway, moving on.

the office was great. i'm glad jim proposed to pam. i liked her reaction. the dwight/angela/andy relationship triangle works well. dwight coming out of the storage room in his wife-beater and his big gut, looking all smug and full of himself makes me laugh. michael continues to be clueless, as he should. and bringing ryan back in as the temp, and the scenario between michael and dwight and him with their goatees was funny. and always, i love dwight and jim's relationship, with jim putting his hand on dwight's shoulder just to have dwight shrug it off while looking exasperated. and there's so much more - like dwight kicking stanley's birthday cheesecake all over michael, or kelly wanting everyone to tell her more good things about her when she was standing on the chair. i enjoy watching this show more than any other on tv right now.

Friday, September 19, 2008


currently: downward

in other news. i've had the cartoon television series 'Voltron' sitting on my shelf for a year or two now. last night i decided to shake the dust off of it and take a stroll down memory lane. I remember the show, and i remember the toys, i just didn't remember how much i watched it. but when it started i was like "oh yeah, i remember these guys." out of the four episodes i watched last night, i don't remember any of them. so maybe i started watching it later in the series. it is fun though. and editing wise, they left in the cuts where the show leaves and comes back from commercial...which i think is very funny. it says something like "we'll be back with more action after this short commercial break" and then "and now back to more Voltron". it's something like that; i know i didn't capture it word for word.

Monday, September 15, 2008

thank you

so i went down to bakersfield on friday with ed and woody to help woody move some furniture and pick up a car to bring back to fresno. so we went out for drinks that night, stopping at a few different places. when we were leaving one spot, we were stopped on the street behind a car that was being dealt with by the police. the other end of the street was blocked with cones, so we had to go this way. while waiting behind this car, one of the police officers walks back to us to tell us it's going to be awhile, and we should use the alley to leave. the other two say "okay", and what do i say? "thank you". as you can guess, they laughed at me and made fun of me the rest of the night.

i wake up sunday morning and see that i got a text saturday night. at 1:33 am. from ed. saying "thank you". i texted him back that morning asking why he said thank you. he said he wasn't sure. and then later it clicked. he was making fun of me. he was probably leaving landmark, saw a cop car, and sent me the text. i'm glad my friends like me enough to make fun of me. i think.

Friday, September 12, 2008

my favorite harry potter

so i watched all five harry potter movies over the last two weeks in the evenings; that should tell you how exciting my life is. and i have to say i like movie number three the best. that's not saying that i like book number three the best, or the story in three the best. but the movie, the movie. i don't know the proper terms to use; maybe it's the production, or the cinematogrophy, or the direction. but i really enjoy watching it. it has weight to it. emotion. i think that movie number three has the same mood and theme that is developing and living through the entire book series (where some of the other movies are their own entities, serving their own purposes).

now i wouldn't say that book number three is my favorite, but i can't tell you which one is just now. it's been too long since reading a few of them. so i'm rereading the series. it will probably take me a little bit to do (especially since i am still finishing up two other books too). but after i finish i will tell you which book i liked the best. and hopefully i will be able to adequately explain why.

on a side note, i love how two people can read the same book and see things entirely different. the mood and theme and feeling i get from reading this series may be somewhat (or completely) different from what someone else gets from it.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

so, it's september

i guess this means i need to come up with some content for my blog. i'll get to work...coming up with stuff. friends should feel welcome to put their two cents in.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

check back at a later date

to the few of you who make your way by my blog, i think i'm going to not post anything for the rest of the summer. like say, till september. i'll still read through others blogs and comment here and there, but don't worry about mine.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

an hour well spent, with nothing to show

i wish you could read my heart. you'd learn so much about me. you would know me and love me. instead i have this page for you to read. and so you go away empty. because i don't know how to transcribe my heart onto this page.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


my little brother (mom and step-dad) got married during memorial day weekend; and that went very well.

my little sister (dad and step-mom) had her 8th grade graduation (home school - 3 8th graders, 1 12th grade) up in the bay area a week ago; and that went very well.

i had a great time at the woody's this last weekend along with the stewart's and adam. i got plenty of sun by the pool, had a good bbq, and got to see first hand all of the fun new things georgia is doing and saying.

and last night i hung out with kasey as she got her tattoo (which turned out super-duper awsome). adam, kendall, sara via phone, katie and brian were also there to support her/harrass her/help her pull through.

and i'm looking forward to going to colorado next week for becky and jay's wedding.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

something new

i'm gonna be up in the bay area this weekend, visiting family, because my little sister is graduating the eighth grade. so i'm leaving after work today, and will get back late on sunday.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

this weekend

my little brother is getting married on saturday. i assume i'll go down friday after work and stay till...i guess sometime sunday. i hope everyone has a good holiday weekend!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

a star imploding

To get a stellar implosion (leading to a supernova and then either a black hole or neutron star), the fuel at the center of the star gets used up, and the core cools rapidly. The pressure that has been holding up the outer layer drops, and the outer shells start falling toward the center. The gas has a long way to fall (the radius of a red giant can be as large as the distance from the Earth to the Sun) and builds up a tremendous speed. It all meets at the center, at which point most of the mass rebounds into a supernova explosion. About 20% of the mass gets compacted at the center and either forms a neutron star or (if the original star was really large) a black hole.

i kinda feel this way.

Friday, May 16, 2008

a picture in my mind

out at sea, not too far from the coastline, was this craggy rock. it looked dry and old with little to offer. yet there was a tree growing on it. just one. and the tree looked old (if not old, at least mature), and it was twisted and turned and hunched over by years of wind and sea. but there it stood, on that rock, almost defiantly. it was a beautiful scene (almost art); and sad at the same time, because it was alone on this rock.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

alphabet sentences


Thursday, May 08, 2008

another meme

i saw this on Sara's blog and figured that since i needed to update my blog, i'd try this.
the rules: all answers have to start with the same letter as does your first name.
1. What is your name? michael
2. A four-letter word: mild
3. A vehicle: motorcycle
4. A city: milan
5. A boy's name: mortimer
6. A girl's name: molly
7. Alcoholic drink: mai tai
8. An occupation: manicurist
9. Something you wear: moleskin coat
10. A celebrity: marky mark
11. A food: muffin
12. Something found in a bathroom: magazines
13. Reason for being late: moving violation
14. Something you shout: michael (yes?! no?!)
15. An animal: millipede
16. A body part: molar

Monday, April 28, 2008

the coast

the coast was nice. i'm back.

Friday, April 25, 2008

travels (long and short)

i'll be at the coast this weekend. i'll see you when i see you.

Friday, April 18, 2008


the show the office makes me laugh. i love that show.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

visiting my grandparents

i was working in pixley yesterday, so i stopped in tulare on my way home because i felt like visiting the gravesite of my grandpa and grandma (my dads parents). my grandma died before i was born, so i never got to know her. and my grandpa died about a year and a half ago. every once in a while i miss that this grandma, Bobbe Jean Wise, wasn't able to be a part in my life. but i overthink many things, this included. like that if my grandma had lived, my dads life might have taken a different direction and i may not even be here today. and on and on. but i wish i could have known my grandma. my grandpa, Clifford Duane Wise, was a good man and i loved him. i wasn't as close to him as i could have been, but thats my fault because i'm not as close with any of my family as i feel i should be. i'm sure this is common, but since they are not here to answer my questions or give me advise i feel that there is so much i wish i could get from them. one thing i'm sad about in particular is that i never talked to my grandpa about my grandma. my grandpa remarried some five to eight years later, so i grew up knowing a different grandma and never felt comfortable bringing up Bobbe with him. i wish i had, partly to learn about her and partly for something else.
so i cried at their gravesite. but it was out of selfishness. i was sad that they weren't there for me. to help me and answer my questions and give me advise. i do miss them, but yesterday i cried for me. sometimes tears bring relief or healing or peace, but these didn't. these were tears of loss and sadness and regret. they were tears of realization that they couldn't help me, and that i'd have to figure out my life and my problems without them.
but it was still good to visit their gravesite and say hi and tell them that i miss them.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

a poem i've always enjoyed

The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Friday, March 28, 2008

IMPORTANT information about me!!!

I'm "borrowing" this from Carly, who got it somewhere else.
Anyway! Enough about me, let's talk about me...

Hi, my name is: michael
but you can call me: whatever works
Never in my life have I: smoked a cigarette
The one person who can drive me nuts is: me (maybe that's cheating, but i'm going with it)
My high school was: just so-so
When I’m nervous: i bite my fingernails (i also bite them when i'm not nervous)
The last song I listened to was: f me pumps by amy winehouse
If I were to get married right now it would be to: a woman i loved
My hair is: a memory
When I was 4: all of my moms friends loved me (of coures they were all 20 at the time)
Last Christmas: i was in the bay area playing sponge bob monoply with my little brother
I should be: working right now...and i mean RIGHT NOW
When I look down I see: everything from my chest down (mmmm...sexy, huh!? no? okay then)
The happiest recent event was: my moms birthday, and her smile when i gave her flowers
If I were a character on ‘Friends’ : i'd probably be similar to chandler
By this time next year: things may be different
My current gripe is: the price of gas
I have a hard time understanding: what i should do with my life
There’s these girls: who love me now, but who knows if they'll love me later (they're 7,5,3,1)
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: whoever i think would think it was cool
I want to buy: other people things
Where do you plan to visit: england
If you spent the night at my house: we'd stay up all night talking
The world could do without: hate
Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: a netflix subscription
Most recent thing someone else bought me: a card
My middle name is: duane
In the morning I: pray for whoever is on my mind
Last night I was: not doing laundry like i told myself earlier in the day i would
If I was an animal I’d be a: tiger or a monkey
A better name for me would be: you tell me
Tomorrow I am: playing poker in the evening in tulare with friends
Tonight I am: doing laundry...then it depends on what others are doing
My birthday is: towards the end of november

Monday, March 24, 2008

the gym

it seems like alot of my friends have been talking about the gym. they are going. they are thinking of going. they are planning on going. i'm not planning on joining a gym, but i would like to start working out some. my apartment complex has a workout room that would suit my needs. so now all i need to do is make my way over to this room and work out. wish me luck.

Friday, March 21, 2008

how did that get there?

i haven't listened to cypress hill in quite a while. i don't think i've heard them on the radio in quite a while. so why then has one of their songs been playing through my head all morning?

Thursday, March 20, 2008

what to do during the week, in the evening

i usually try to watch jeopardy at 7. i've been reading practically every night (a variety of books). i have some dvds that i can watch over and over, so every so often i'll put on one. and currently i am receiving netflix so over the next couple of weeks this is what i have slated to receive and watch:
grindhouse: planet terror (robert rodriguez zombie movie)
grindhouse: death proof (quinten tarentino something something)
waitress (i've heard good things about it)
dexter: season 1 (4 discs) (i've seen a few episodes on sunday nights and like it)
the prestige
the borne ultimatum (i liked the first 2, so i figure this one will be good too)
the royal tenenbaums
lost in translation (i'm very attracted to scarlett johansen)
blade runner: directors cut (i've always been a fan of sci-fi, and like this movie)
children of men

homeland security

so i just got back from lunch, and am sitting at my desk when two people come in the front door. and who do they say they are? homeland security. at least that's whay the guy says as he shows me his badge. well, there are no managers in the office right now, so i give him the address to our main office so he can speak to our human resourses director. crazy. i hope no one is in trouble.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

as days turn in to years

does time just keep going by faster, the older you get. i'd say all the way through eighth grade, it would take forever to get to...your birthday, or a holiday, or summer, or the weekend. once i got into high school though, i began to notice time moving faster. and now, i'm 31, it's already march, it's almost summer, and on and on.
at the same time that my life flies past me, i just know that this week is going to take forever. maybe to say "i know" is wrong, but i have a strong feeling. maybe that's good though; i have a thing or two i need to prove to myself i can do. 1 day down, 4 to go.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

why not work

well, it's saturday morning and i'm working. this doesn't happen very often. last night my boss called and asked if i could work today. sure. so i'm in the office now, but leaving to go to a jobsite. what is my task? to be a company representative while we have subcontractors on the site performing work today. what does that mean? i sit around for 7-8-9 hours reading a book or twiddling my thumbs while these guys work. i can use the money, and really, what else was i going to do today. i never know what i'm doing until someone says lets do something. so i can talk and see what's going on tonight, i just can't do anything during the day.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

what the flip, kip

so either something is wrong with my phone or none of my friends have had anything to say over the last couple of days. i guess now would be a good time to look at my phone bill and make sure that its not overdue and been shut off, making my friends and family wonder and worry about me.

Monday, March 10, 2008

i need new clothes

that doesn't mean that i'm getting new clothes, just that i need them. my three-shirt rotation seems to have been noticed by a few of my friends...but sara's deep love of my green recycle shirt keeps me smiling for now. with st. patricks day coming up, i might have to find another cool green shirt. there's no way that it will be as cool as my recycle shirt, but if it's close i'll be happy.

what's new

nothing. went to the zoo on saturday with sara & georgia, adam, ed & heather, and nick. before that we had lunch in the park with george, ken & anna & eden. lunch and the zoo were both fun.
i forgot to adjust my clock saturday night, so i missed church sunday morning.
i know none of this was even worth reading, sorry, i just felt i needed to say something.

Monday, March 03, 2008

looking back, i might be a bad friend

i was thinking of some of my old friends. people who played important roles in my past, but who i don't know anymore. maybe our worlds drifted apart. maybe we got into a fight. maybe they (or i) moved or went away to school. maybe that's just life.
all i know is that i had some good friends that i enjoyed being with and who helped me through some tough times; but now they're just part of my past. and unfortuantely i don't have the best memory.
but people can change. and hopefully old dogs can learn new tricks. and hopefully i'm a better friend to you than i was to them.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008


my heart itches like adam's tattoo. recent self-introspection was like the needle, or the ink, or both. but it's healing now. and i like it's new look - similar to before...but different (a good different). and right now it itches.

how to get from there to here

i was looking through my posts, and this one was listed as a draft. back on 2-26-08, and today it is 10-30-09. maybe i posted something similar to it later...or not. here it is, one of the things i was thinking of that day.

i have thoughts, and ideas, and feelings that are swirling around in my head. and inside my head i understand them. i see them, hear them, and feel them. some of these thoughts, and ideas, and feelings are meant just for me. but some of them - some of them need to be shared, or expressed, or given to others.

and that's where i feel like i struggle. they don't seem to sound the same when i speak them. they don't look the same when i write them down. and their intention seems changed when i tell someone them.

it may be my imagination. or it may be true.

Monday, February 25, 2008

just so you know

i haven't been in a real good mood lately (another way to say it would be that i haven't been myself). it's a combination of things. so if i normally interact with you and something seems off...it's not you, it's me.
can you go through a mid-life crisis at 31? and what is a mid-life crisis?
second update in two minutes:
i guess if i only live to 62, this would be the perfect time for one.
3rd update:
it's almost 5. i'm happy i made it through the day. i think i'll go home and collapse, although i need to run 2 errands first.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

how 'fashion forward' i am

i went to lunch with my friend/coworker/boss josh today. as we were driving, he looks over at me and says, "my grandpa called, he wants his shirt back." i'm okay with it looking like his grandpas shirt. i like it. this shirt is a white, short-sleeve, button-up with vertical textured striping (that's as best as i can describe it with my limited fashion vocabulary). maybe ed can take a picture of it tonight as adam gets his tattoo. then i can update this post with a picture.

my haiku

i commented on carly's blog post titled 'wednesday haiku' with one of my own. here it is:

light wanes.
leaves fall in love.

i have other versions of the same haiku in carly's comment section, so i won't put them here.

Friday, February 15, 2008

recap/update - what a new year means

i had lunch with my friend ed today, and a topic that came up breifly was how my 'resolutions' were coming along. so let's see.
a few things i wish to achieve this year:
1. a career.
2. a relationship.
3. a healthy body.
4. get outdoors/travel more.
5. feed friendships.
6. get out of debt.
7. find god.
8. learn about my background.
here is where i stand two and a half months later:
1. i've told my employers (at the beginning of february) that i want to keep working there; that i want to turn what i do into a valuable position that merits a better salary. they seem all for it; i just have to realize that nothing happens overnight. so i'll work hard, and hopefully begin to see the fruits of my labors soon.
2. nothing new. i have started going to another church sunday mornings, so at least seeing new/more people is a step in the right direction. i have a split relationship personality - i'm in no real hurry...and i'd love to be in a relationship right now.
3. i haven't seen the inside of a gym yet. but i'm trying (and succeeding more than failing) to eat more fruits and drink more water instead of soda. baby steps.
4. i'm going to colorado to see becky and jay get married this summer. hopefully that counts, because i don't have many other plans. yet.
5. this is a roller coaster. i go from seeing and hanging out with friends every day, to seeing them once in two weeks. but overall i think most of my friendships are growing and improving. always more work to be done though.
6. right now there is no improvement. maybe i'll make more money soon - then i can begin to work on my debt.
7. not much new here. i am going to a second church, so that may be looked at as good. but sometimes you're not ready to back up the things you say. i'm not sure that i'm ready for god right now.
8. i've done nothing to help accomplish this yet.
9. i was hoping that by the time i got here, i'd have something to add. i don't.
there it is. remixed. remastered. now available on a two disc, collectors edition, signed blah blah blah.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

6 words

as far as our part of the web world goes, this meme was started with carly.
write a story in 6 words.
Legend has it that Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? "For sale: baby shoes, never worn."
"Everyone hs a story. Can you tell yours in six words?"
here's mine:
when we die, let's die together.
i tag: heather stew, eleanore, dennis

Monday, February 04, 2008

good times

i had a lot of fun this weekend. friday i went to the opening of a new bar/restaurant with sara, adam, nick and nick. saturday i don't remember doing much until the evening when ed and heather invited people over to watch ufc fights before going to the landmark for drinks. then sunday was the super bowl, which was exciting and had an unexpected winner.
but saturday night at landmark was a highlight. if i remember right, there was ed, adam, myself, sara, woody, nick and kasey (if i forgot someone, sorry, but i think brian, the other nick and leah were out on friday). we rolled dice, had some drinks and cracked plenty of jokes. i adopted one (maybe two) nicknames...we'll have to see if they stick or not. ed finally dried up the landmarks store of seagrams 7 (my contribution was minimal). and i'd have to say that aces has become the groups 2nd favorite dice game behind liars.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

the mission - create a story

i had an idea to create a scene or story that had to include a list of words in it. there are 10 words that must be used. they do not have to be used in any particular order. you can use alternate meanings of the words, or their normal usage. the story can be a run-on sentence, or a paragraph(s). you can use as many of the key words in a sentence that you want. after writing your story, you should tag 3 others to do the same.

i tag:
sara, ed, adam

the words:
1. pot 2. pan 3. spoon 4. fork 5. knife 6. glass 7. fire 8. water 9. light 10. sink

the story:
i saw him going the other direction - skipping, playing a pan flute. it sounded like water making its way down a stream. i closed my eyes to let it sink in. when i opened my eyes again the sun had moved behind the branches of an old oak tree. the light that shone through was dappled and wonderful looking. i stared at the sun through that tree for i don't know how long. finally i started up again, making my way down the dusty dirt path. when i came to the fork in the road i went left. as i rounded a corner i saw the lake, with water as smooth as glass, stretching off into the distance. i picked up my pace, needing to make a fire before the sun went down. when i get back, a fire is already going. she had made it. and now she was looking through my bag. i say, "if you're looking for pot, you won't find any." she looks up with a devilish smirk, "HA HA!" followed by "who doesn't bring a knife camping?" i show her where the knife is. after dinner we sit by the fire, moving closer to it as the night gets colder. i yawn and say it's time to go to bed. "do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?" i tell her i want to be the big spoon.

Monday, January 28, 2008


i would have to assume that we all are overwhelmed by life and events sometimes. it could be something positive or good, like a marriage or a baby or a vacation. or it could be something negative, like a failure or a mistake or a sadness. it could be an everyday life event that isn't one or the other. or it could be none of these. maybe it's hard to pin down.
i feel overwhelmed. i feel like i'm looking up out of a hole, wondering how i can get out.
or maybe like taking a walk. a long walk. its like i wanted to go on this walking journey, so i started walking. so i've been walking and walking and walking. for days and weeks and months and years. and i've gone a long way. a long way. but i'm done with my walk now, and i'd like to get back home. how the hell do i get home? i don't know how to get home. and it's overwhelming me. it drains me. it's eating at me; killing me slowly. my mind, my heart, my spirit, my body, my will. my drive and desire. the only part of my body that works are my tear ducts. the only part of my mind that works is the self-hate.
what i just said may look or sound bad; but it's not too bad. i figure there are 100 parts that make up the person that i am. this is only 1 part. but this is the part that spilled out of me today.
connected to this - but apart from it - is the idea of someone to listen to me and my problems who has no connection to me. the idea of giving every detail to a person to examine and study and come to a conclusion about (and maybe give an answer or direction), unlike the vague blurry generalities i present here. i know that these people exist, and that they're called therapists. i know this.
it's about time for lunch, so i'm gonna stop here.

Monday, January 21, 2008

weekend events

i went down to bakersfield this last saturday to hang out with my friend woody because his wife was out of town and he had nothing else to do. so we just hung out, watched tv, and then went to see charlie wilson's war. the movie was rated r for nutidy, language, and war violence...but if you can handle that ok, i think you would enjoy this movie. i haven't read up to see how accurate the movie was to actual historical events, but it seemed like it could have been close. i enjoyed it. i thought the actors did a good job (tom hanks, julia roberts, and philip seymour hoffman), and the story moved well. i'm glad i saw this movie over practically everything else showing. i would have watched sweeney todd and juno, too. so i'll need to see those some other time.
and one other thing. after the movie we went out for a drink (i don't remember the name of the place), and while we were sitting at the bar some people were leaving and we overhear a comment. what is the comment? it's one guy saying to his friend, "hey, that guy looks like serj from system of a down." i heard it, but didn't put two and two together. but woody turns to me and asks if i heard what he said, and says that people say stuff like that quite often. so that was pretty funny.

Friday, January 11, 2008

self image

i took a picture of myself last night, but i didn't like it so i deleted it. if someone else was there to look at it, they probably would have said that it was fine. i would like to see myself through other peoples eyes...maybe...just for a day. what do people see when they see me? what do people think about me, or feel about me, when they see me? i know that there is more to a person than their looks; and when you look at a person you see more of them than just their looks. the more you know a person (family, friend, spouse/other), the more "extras" you see or project on to the image your eyes are taking in. language seems so...inadequate (or maybe just my ability to understand and/or express it). i wish i could express better what i see when i look at people (maybe only sometimes i wish this). maybe that's why i didn't like the picture i took last night. because sometimes i see everything about me (all of the "extras", good or bad) and sometimes that overwhelms the picture, pours out of it, ruins it. can anyone understand what i'm saying, whether they agree or not, or is this just confusing? maybe someone else can better say, or elaborate on, or further explain what i tried to start here.

Monday, January 07, 2008

Why i hesitate

Now, i'm not talking about this to offer excuses...this is just how i feel. They may not be appropriate or logical reasons...but they are my reasons.
I'm turning in an application for an apartment today, and i'm nervous. I may have less-than-perfect credit and i may be poorly qualified, but i don't like that someone is going to tell me that. I let these fears and feelings affect me too much. I may get the apartment. My credit score may be better than i think. But this man who i do not know, who i may never even see again, gets to look into my life and make a decision about me...and i don't like that feeling at all. Control. I like to be in control, and in this situation i am not in control.
I was going to move on to other situations/circumstances/parts of my life, but i've changed my mind and am going to stop here.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

what does a new year mean

in the fairy tale land part of my brain that i keep hidden way in the back, a new year equals a fresh start and the chance to enforce resolutions (resolutions which of course you'll keep). but i've given up on that. not that i don't want these things, just that i know me...and me never accomplishes these things. sad - maybe. pathetic - maybe. true - definately.
so what do i wish to achieve this year? i'll list many things here, and maybe one or more of them will be accomplished/acquired/experienced/and whatever else.
1. a career. what i mean by this is a job/career that can allow me to live comfortably (either by myself or with someone else); a job that i for the most part enjoy; the possibility to advance/improve/change.
2. a relationship. i thought of saying "love" here, but you can have love without having a relationship. you can also have a relationship without having love, but i don't want to get into that right now. but a relationship that would last me for the rest of my life. a woman that would love me the way i am (i would be willing to change some) and that i could love just as she is. i'm going to leave this point short, so moving on.
3. a healthy body. i used to go to the gym and play sports/be active all the time. used to. and my body reflected that. not that i could ever be the same person i used to be, i could be better than i am now. riding a stationary bike, using a rowing machine, lifting weights, eating better (much better), cutting back on the sodas, streaching (either yoga or just streaching). these are all things that can contribute to improved health, and weight loss. sounds great, i just need to do it.
4. get outdoors/travel more. i don't need to go anywhere exotic or thousands of miles away. but sequioa would be good. yellowstone would be good. northern california (beach, mountains, forests), southern california (beach), oregon or washington and so on and so on. included in this could be visiting/vacationing with friends (colorado, las vegas, etc.).
5. feed friendships. i have developed some good friendships (either by myself or with the help of others) and i want to strengthen them as well as make more. i've let some friendships die from lack of involvement. i've killed some by only taking and not giving. some i gave up on for the wrong reasons. but some i still have, and i want those to get better and better. so i want to give more to friends, learn more about them, be there for them when they need me, be there for them when they don't need me, be there for them when i need them.
6. get out of debt. or at least improve/minimize it.
7. find god. it's not that i don't know him, it's just that i don't know where he is in my life. i got careless and now i've lost him. he either fell out of my pocket or got left on a chair or was lent to a friend (which friend, i don't know). and it's not that finding him would solve all of my problems. there is a good chance that it won't solve any of them. but i'd still like to find him.
8. learn about my background. i know a little. but not much. i'd like to know alot more. generations and generations worth. back to who came here when from where. and back and back and back. i don't know how far back i will be able to go, but i have to try before i know.
i can't think of anything else right now, but i guess that's a start.